Communication strategies for couples (las negritas son mías)
(Chapter 7 from Boyfriend 101, by Jim Sullivan, abridged)
The closer you are to someone, and the longer you have been close, the more you have to lose when you open your mouth
Deborah Tannen, That’s not what I meant!
If what you’re saying is right but you’re saying it wrong, it’s wrong.
Lionel, a friend
For good or bad, our parents are our primary teachers of how we communicate with others in the world. Our secondary teachers include grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, religious leaders, teachers, and other influential people in early-childhood development. When you have a disagreement with your boyfriend, all of these influences are present in your actions and reactions.
There is never, never has been, and never will be a relationship without problems.
In light of this premise, it behooves all relationship-seekers to find appropriate means of communication to work on these problems. Problems don’t go away by being ignored. We may think not talking with our partner will make a specific issue/ problem go away, but it never goes away. It just waits to pop up in the most unforeseen of circumstances.
A “nice guy” [does]n’t want to ruffle any feathers. Healthy communication is about addressing issues promptly and saying from the start what we need to say.
Tools for effective communication
Tool # 1: Saying “I’m sorry”
Love means having to say you are sorry. When it is said with sincerity and at the appropriate time, it can be very effective.
[When a couple has a fight, they find they have] both regressed –slipped back into past ways of perceiving, feeling, and thinking– and that they [have] both lost control.
In a split second, their world [has] become unsafe. When both men apologiz[e] for an incident that [goes] out of control, the “I’m sorry”’s de-escalate the situation, bringing momentary calm. Once they [come] to their senses, [both men are] able to engage in a non-finger-pointing discussion.
When we are in relationships with real, live human beings, things don’t automatically go smoothly, and if we don’t have the communication skills to deal with these circumstances, we’re headed toward some major acting out. Acting out (such as the silent treatment, bullying, name-calling, threatening to leave) is the antithesis of healthy communication. Admitting you’re wrong sometimes, and saying, “I’m sorry, honey”, even if you don’t want to say it, is a sign of emotional maturity.
Tool # 2: Paying Attention
We live in a fast-paced society, in which it is far too easy to lose focus and take people for granted. Frequently, we lose the ability to pay attention to one another. Take a look at your own relationship: Does your boyfriend seem a little more withdrawn lately? Has your sex life become too rutine? Are you sniping at each other more often? Do you become vague about vacation plans? Do you eat together less often? Do you praise your boyfriend less?
What [one sometimes needs is] to express what [is] really happening to [that someone] emotionally in life: that [one is] scared, that [one feels] like a failure. When someone verbalizes these feelings with someone they love, it can be very cathartic.
Sometimes we think we’re paying attention, but it may be halfhearted at best. For some couples, I actually recommend using an egg timer, giving each other fifteen uninterrupted minutes to talk about what’s happening.
Simply listen. Simply pay attention. It pays great dividends.
Tool # 3: Monitoring your testosterone
When you have two men in a relationship, you have double the amount of the male hormone –testosterone. This can provide gay relationships powerful creative energy and excitement, but it is also the source of power-and-control issues. When a relationship is negatively “testosterone driven,” you’ll hear expressions like “I’m right. Period.” “This is the way we always do it!” “Either shut up or I’m out of here.” “Mine is the best baseball team. Case closed!” You have no idea how to pick out colors.” “Don’t tell me how to drive.”
You can’t –and wouldn’t want to– get rid of testosterone, but you can notice when you’re letting your hormones rule your responses. Expressions that will help you in your communications when your testosterone is running high include: “I guess I was wrong.” “Let me hear your opinion.” “Let’s try to compromise on this.” “I can be a real jerk sometimes.”
What do you say to a partner driven by testosterone instead of reason? “Please calm down, I know we can work this out.” “I’m offended when you talk to me in that tone of voice.” “I don’t see it that way. I’m sorry.” “Okay, I think we both need a time-out.” And if he persists, just say, “Stop talking to me that way. I don’t like it” –as gently as possible.
Tool #4 Watch for internalized homophobia
Tool #5 Avoid Mind-reading
Mind-reading is when we think we know exactly what’s on another person’s mind without doing a reality check first; or, when we want to communicate a want/need to someone without verbally saying it, and just assume that the other person gets it. Mind-reading is not an effective means of communication, and only leads to a person not getting what he wants and needs.
You may ask [your boyfriend] a series of questions: “Do you want me to go back home with you?” “Do you need to be held?” “Is there anything I can do for you now?” “Do you need some time by yourself?” “Can I get you anything?” “Do you want to talk?” By doing that, you’re telling your boyfriend that you care for him and that you’re available. Don’t assume anything. That’s mind-reading. Ask him. Get clarity.
The simple act of expressing what’s on your mind –and not assuming that people can read it– will move communication to a higher level.
Tool # 6 How to Argue/Disagree/Fight
Some men don’t want to disagree or argue because they fear abandonment. Deep down inside, they feel the relationship is going to fall apart if there is an argument, or that things will get out of control and they’ll end up abandoned. Some men literally need to be told, “Honey, when we argue or strongly disagree, that does not mean I’m going to leave you. If anything, when I can legitimately and rationally argue with you, I feel a lot closer to you.”
Most of us have never been taught how to argue with someone we love, so as you get to know your boyfriend, you’d better know how each of you handles disagreements.
Different styles
If there isn’t a safe playing field for arguing/disagreeing, there will be communication meltdown.
[Both of you] should not use words like always or never, or generalize in any other way, because that is unfair and just tends to escalate disagreements. No one wants to be placed in a corner, with no place to move. We need to give each other some wiggle room –to negotiate instead of merely be aggressive. You may say to your partner [something] as a reminder to him to “fight fair” when you’re disagreeing/arguing about something, rather than act on impulse.
Or you may need to remind yourself. You may have the impulse to throw a glass at your boyfriend, you may have the impulse to threaten to leave him, you may have the impulse to say he’s done nothing with his life, but rational adult people don’t act on impulses. Acting on impulse can damage or destroy even a good relationship.
Any time you’re tempted to go for the jugular, take a “time-out” and say to your boyfriend, “I feel a little out of control. I’m going outside [or into the other room] for an hour –I’ll be back when I’m a little calmer”. If it’s your boyfriend who’s out of control, say in a firm voice, “Time out! We need an hour or so apart to calm down”.
I also recommend that men take five deep breaths –deep inhalations followed by strong “letting go” exhalations– allowing any accompanying sounds to issue from your body (“Ahh!” “Ohh!”). Shake your hands. Move your body freely. Let go of any tension constricting you.
Tool #7 Communicating Gratitude
Some of us take for granted the men whom we love. We assume they know that we love them.
Assume nothing –and never for a moment stop expressing gratitude for the man in your life. It may just saying the simplest of things, like “I love the way you cook pasta,” “Thanks for driving me to the doctor’s”, or “you smell great!”.
Other ways we can express gratitude
The closer you are to someone, and the longer you have been close, the more you have to lose when you open your mouth
Deborah Tannen, That’s not what I meant!
If what you’re saying is right but you’re saying it wrong, it’s wrong.
Lionel, a friend
For good or bad, our parents are our primary teachers of how we communicate with others in the world. Our secondary teachers include grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, religious leaders, teachers, and other influential people in early-childhood development. When you have a disagreement with your boyfriend, all of these influences are present in your actions and reactions.
There is never, never has been, and never will be a relationship without problems.
In light of this premise, it behooves all relationship-seekers to find appropriate means of communication to work on these problems. Problems don’t go away by being ignored. We may think not talking with our partner will make a specific issue/ problem go away, but it never goes away. It just waits to pop up in the most unforeseen of circumstances.
A “nice guy” [does]n’t want to ruffle any feathers. Healthy communication is about addressing issues promptly and saying from the start what we need to say.
Tools for effective communication
Tool # 1: Saying “I’m sorry”
Love means having to say you are sorry. When it is said with sincerity and at the appropriate time, it can be very effective.
[When a couple has a fight, they find they have] both regressed –slipped back into past ways of perceiving, feeling, and thinking– and that they [have] both lost control.
In a split second, their world [has] become unsafe. When both men apologiz[e] for an incident that [goes] out of control, the “I’m sorry”’s de-escalate the situation, bringing momentary calm. Once they [come] to their senses, [both men are] able to engage in a non-finger-pointing discussion.
When we are in relationships with real, live human beings, things don’t automatically go smoothly, and if we don’t have the communication skills to deal with these circumstances, we’re headed toward some major acting out. Acting out (such as the silent treatment, bullying, name-calling, threatening to leave) is the antithesis of healthy communication. Admitting you’re wrong sometimes, and saying, “I’m sorry, honey”, even if you don’t want to say it, is a sign of emotional maturity.
Tool # 2: Paying Attention
We live in a fast-paced society, in which it is far too easy to lose focus and take people for granted. Frequently, we lose the ability to pay attention to one another. Take a look at your own relationship: Does your boyfriend seem a little more withdrawn lately? Has your sex life become too rutine? Are you sniping at each other more often? Do you become vague about vacation plans? Do you eat together less often? Do you praise your boyfriend less?
What [one sometimes needs is] to express what [is] really happening to [that someone] emotionally in life: that [one is] scared, that [one feels] like a failure. When someone verbalizes these feelings with someone they love, it can be very cathartic.
Sometimes we think we’re paying attention, but it may be halfhearted at best. For some couples, I actually recommend using an egg timer, giving each other fifteen uninterrupted minutes to talk about what’s happening.
Simply listen. Simply pay attention. It pays great dividends.
Tool # 3: Monitoring your testosterone
When you have two men in a relationship, you have double the amount of the male hormone –testosterone. This can provide gay relationships powerful creative energy and excitement, but it is also the source of power-and-control issues. When a relationship is negatively “testosterone driven,” you’ll hear expressions like “I’m right. Period.” “This is the way we always do it!” “Either shut up or I’m out of here.” “Mine is the best baseball team. Case closed!” You have no idea how to pick out colors.” “Don’t tell me how to drive.”
You can’t –and wouldn’t want to– get rid of testosterone, but you can notice when you’re letting your hormones rule your responses. Expressions that will help you in your communications when your testosterone is running high include: “I guess I was wrong.” “Let me hear your opinion.” “Let’s try to compromise on this.” “I can be a real jerk sometimes.”
What do you say to a partner driven by testosterone instead of reason? “Please calm down, I know we can work this out.” “I’m offended when you talk to me in that tone of voice.” “I don’t see it that way. I’m sorry.” “Okay, I think we both need a time-out.” And if he persists, just say, “Stop talking to me that way. I don’t like it” –as gently as possible.
Tool #4 Watch for internalized homophobia
Tool #5 Avoid Mind-reading
Mind-reading is when we think we know exactly what’s on another person’s mind without doing a reality check first; or, when we want to communicate a want/need to someone without verbally saying it, and just assume that the other person gets it. Mind-reading is not an effective means of communication, and only leads to a person not getting what he wants and needs.
You may ask [your boyfriend] a series of questions: “Do you want me to go back home with you?” “Do you need to be held?” “Is there anything I can do for you now?” “Do you need some time by yourself?” “Can I get you anything?” “Do you want to talk?” By doing that, you’re telling your boyfriend that you care for him and that you’re available. Don’t assume anything. That’s mind-reading. Ask him. Get clarity.
The simple act of expressing what’s on your mind –and not assuming that people can read it– will move communication to a higher level.
Tool # 6 How to Argue/Disagree/Fight
Some men don’t want to disagree or argue because they fear abandonment. Deep down inside, they feel the relationship is going to fall apart if there is an argument, or that things will get out of control and they’ll end up abandoned. Some men literally need to be told, “Honey, when we argue or strongly disagree, that does not mean I’m going to leave you. If anything, when I can legitimately and rationally argue with you, I feel a lot closer to you.”
Most of us have never been taught how to argue with someone we love, so as you get to know your boyfriend, you’d better know how each of you handles disagreements.
Different styles
If there isn’t a safe playing field for arguing/disagreeing, there will be communication meltdown.
[Both of you] should not use words like always or never, or generalize in any other way, because that is unfair and just tends to escalate disagreements. No one wants to be placed in a corner, with no place to move. We need to give each other some wiggle room –to negotiate instead of merely be aggressive. You may say to your partner [something] as a reminder to him to “fight fair” when you’re disagreeing/arguing about something, rather than act on impulse.
Or you may need to remind yourself. You may have the impulse to throw a glass at your boyfriend, you may have the impulse to threaten to leave him, you may have the impulse to say he’s done nothing with his life, but rational adult people don’t act on impulses. Acting on impulse can damage or destroy even a good relationship.
Any time you’re tempted to go for the jugular, take a “time-out” and say to your boyfriend, “I feel a little out of control. I’m going outside [or into the other room] for an hour –I’ll be back when I’m a little calmer”. If it’s your boyfriend who’s out of control, say in a firm voice, “Time out! We need an hour or so apart to calm down”.
I also recommend that men take five deep breaths –deep inhalations followed by strong “letting go” exhalations– allowing any accompanying sounds to issue from your body (“Ahh!” “Ohh!”). Shake your hands. Move your body freely. Let go of any tension constricting you.
Tool #7 Communicating Gratitude
Some of us take for granted the men whom we love. We assume they know that we love them.
Assume nothing –and never for a moment stop expressing gratitude for the man in your life. It may just saying the simplest of things, like “I love the way you cook pasta,” “Thanks for driving me to the doctor’s”, or “you smell great!”.
Other ways we can express gratitude
- You know what I really like about you? (Tell him.)
- I’m proud of you! (And tell him why.)
- You mean a lot to me. (Tell him the reasons.)
- I’m a lucky man because… (Tell him.)
Other key communications expressions
When your boyfriend is extremely upset over something, you can say
- Is there something I’ve said or done that’s made you upset? Please tell me.
- You seem upset. Tell me what’s happening to you.
- I’m here for you.
- I support you one hundred percent.
- I can’t read your mind. Tell me why you’re upset.
- You look tired. Is there anything you need?
When you’re not feeling well and are becoming irritable, you can say:
- I’m exhausted. I need some rest.
- I need a vacation.
- I’m feeling like I need your support right now.
- I need your help.
- I need some time by myself.
How to compromise
Working things out as a couple, and allowing for and celebrating differences
If, as a couple, you really like each other, you must learn to compromise.
When we move into a relationship, we can’t get everything our way. We may like our men a great deal, but they may have idiosyncrasies that drive us crazy. And remember, we each have our own “peculiarities” which may be driving our boyfriends crazy.
The success rate among couples is in direct proportion to the couple’s willingness to accept each other’s differences. I’m not talking about putting up with a lot of inappropriate behavior, but two healthy men looking into each other’s eyes and wanting to work things out.
When there is little or no compromise in a relationship, one or the other of the partners may start to exhibit the following symptoms:
- Pouting
- Mini-temper tantrums
- Passive-aggressive behavior –the silent treatment, withholding love (thinking he has a great shirt on, for instance, but not telling him), smiling and saying that everything is okay when it isn’t
- Making negative predictions of where the relationship is going
- Gossiping with friends about the mate
Stages of commitment
Maintaining healthy communication requires that you verbalize with your mate where it is you stand when it comes to your relationship. In the past, most gay men had no model for building a healthy relationship or acknowledging its stages.
Recognizing and negotiating stages of commitment is essential for any dating man. Many gay men don’t know how to approach getting clarity about commitment. The following stages will help you identify the level of emotional commitment within your relationship, and will assit you in communicating your needs.
Stage One (1-3 Months): “I can’t get enough of him”
- We‘re in heaven
- He does nothing wrong
- Status to the outside world: we’re dating
Stage One is what Hollywood movies are about. It’s about sizzle and having fun. Without Stage One, there would be no relationships. It’s nature’s way of luring us into a partnership. Stage One is falling in love. It’s when our dream comes true. You fall for a man and that’s it. You’re smitten, and there is this intensity which is overwhelming. It is one of the highest highs in life –or lowest lows, if things don’t work out.
Enjoy it as much as you can. Go dancing together. Sneak away for a weekend in Provincetown. Go hiking and make love in the outdoors. Be silly and wacky with each other.
Pitfalls
Since there is such a magnetic pull in the first three months of being with someone, the urge in most men is to keep the feeling going at all costs. This is impossible. No one can be perpetually “high” with another person; it will only exhaust both of you.
Some men feel that if things are not always at that high peak, there’s something wrong with the connection.
Some guys can’t resist saying to a partner “I love you”, in Stage One, expecting the other man to say it, too –and when he doesn’t, feels rejected. Saying “ I love you” too much to a date (and potential mate) on the first three months may cost some men the relationship. It has to be said very sparingly, if at all.
How many times can you say “I love you” before it becomes meaningless? Saying it so much does not mean you’re an emotionally mature man –it may mean just the opposite.
So what can you say in place of “I love you”?
- “You mean a lot to me.”
- “I really like being with you” or “I love being with you”.
- “I’ve never been happier than being with you.”
- “When I’m with you, I’m the most relaxed I’ve ever been.”
Stage Two (3-6 Months): “Getting to know you”
- Testing period
- Idiosyncrasies –finding likes and dislikes
- Starting to see some warts
- May see red flags
- Reconnaisance –gathering information
- One partner gets closer –the other pulls back– then vice versa.
- Status to the outside world: “boyfriends”
You’re getting to know each other. You don’t own [each other]. [Neither of you] is property.
When we fall in love with someone, we are very vulnerable. Even the slightest misstep in word or action can be blown out of proportion. That is why it is important for some men who are new to dating to seek out a competent gay or gay-friendly professional to guide them.
Pitfalls
Stage Two is when the drama queen in either man can emerge. Of the five stages, [this seems] to be the most important. It is so easy to give up at this stage! The bloom is off the rose. The slightest difference can be magnified to seem like the beginning of the end of the relationships.
You’re experiencing growing pains. Patience is the key virtue for this stage. You need to be careful not to overreact at the slightest chance in the other person’s behavior. Say to yourself, “Am I willing to accept this man for who he is [reality] or am I only interest in who I imagine him to be [fantasy]?"
Stage Two is the point at which you may notice red flags that help you evaluate whether this man is for you or not: Does he return phone calls promptly? Is he “present” to you during sex? Is there a disconnect that doesn’t feel right to you? Does he start to criticize you too much?
[…]
publicadas por M @ 5/21/2006 09:58:00 p.m.
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